Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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