I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Floor bacon is actually really good
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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