come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
