Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
