Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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