Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
