Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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