Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
