but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
