Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
