saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
