she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Be still, my beating vagina.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
