i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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