Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
