Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
