she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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