On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
