i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
