I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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