thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
