oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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