Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
