oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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