Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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