I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
