her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
