its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
are you so shy because you have an std?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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