You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
