I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
