Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
