I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
