I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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