Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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