He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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