I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
