i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
