Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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