I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
