I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
