grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
