how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well I just put wine in my tea
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Two words: blizzard sex
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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