fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
