when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
