I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
