I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
