I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
