are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
