There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
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