my mouth tastes like poor choices
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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