Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Two words: blizzard sex
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
