im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
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